


Losing It All

by aussieokie



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, My First Ressler Fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1538201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aussieokie/pseuds/aussieokie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Blacklist. This is my take on what occurs after Ressler shoots at Bobby Jonica in Ep. 1x16 Mako Tanida. As he contemplates his actions since he'd lost Audrey, sitting in the street, willing her not to leave him. All that training, all that discipline to be the best FBI agent he could be had been tossed aside in a heartbeat. He'd lost himself in blind hate and revenge. "How can I go back to being 'by the book Special Agent Ressler' after I've done this?! I'm no different to Reddington!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

## Chapter 1 - Breaking Down

He dropped his arm as the echo of the gunshots faded away through the snow laden trees. He was completely numb, emotionally and physically, not even noticing that his body was so cold his hands were purple. He knew why he'd fired. He'd had to release something – anything - before his head exploded. It had startled Keen and Malik, and scared Jonica as the shots rang out, but Ressler didn't notice. He'd been standing in the snow, torn between Keen begging him not to kill Jonica, while Jonica goaded him to shoot. He'd fired, oblivious to the irony that he'd actually done what both of them were telling him to do, ever the company man. He'd pulled the trigger over and over, deliberately missing Bobby by aiming his shots to the right of the man's head.

"Donnie, I'm sorry…" he heard Bobby moan over and over, but Ressler didn't care. Sorry wasn't good enough. Sorry didn't cut it. He drew his eyes away from Bobby, dropping his gaze, suddenly feeling completely and utterly spent. He slowly walked toward Keen, knowing full well this was an 'agent involved shooting' and he must surrender his weapon. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, protocol was still alive and well.

He kept walking toward Keen, the snow crunching under his frozen feet. Passing her by, he extended his arm to her as she gently took his weapon from him. He didn't look at her, didn't see the hurt in her eyes. He was aware of her hand reaching out and touching his arm, wanting to comfort him, but he didn't want it. He pulled his arm out of her reach and kept walking away.

He heard the blade being unsheathed and stopped, turning his head to the right in time to see Jonica plunging Tanida's knife below his vest. Ressler felt nothing. He'd just stood for what felt like forever, facing Bobby with his gun, yelling at him to end his life or he'd do it for him. He'd begged him to pick up the knife, yet felt nothing when Jonica suddenly did and took his life.

Impassive, he turned and walked steadily back up the hill in the deep snow, still unaware of how wet and cold he was. Keen and Malik followed some distance behind him, while other agents saw to Jonica's body. Ressler returned to the overturned vehicle and looked inside for Tanida. He was gone. He crawled inside, seeing the empty cuffs, and flung them down. _How the heck did he get away?_ He made his way back out of the vehicle and stood, looking out to the trees. Tanida should be easy to find in this snow and several agents were already walking the perimeter. He was aware of Keen behind him again, and turned and looked down at her, almost looking through her.

She reached her hand up toward him again, but not to touch him. She knew better this time. Motioning to the other vehicle, he understood. _Time to go._ With a final look around at the snowy landscape, he walked silently behind her to the black Suburban. She held the passenger door open for him and he climbed in, keeping his gaze out the window. Walking to the driver's side, she looked at him, wanting to say something, yet thought better of it and started the ignition. She followed Malik who was in the lead car, back toward the city.

Ressler's mind was swirling with how his world had been turned upside down in little more than 24 hours. Audrey was gone. _Audrey! I told you to stay with me!_ He'd told Reddington all he felt was hate, but he knew now that wasn't true. Underneath that was great sorrow and grief. Red had been right about that. _Damn the man!_

And what of his actions since he'd lost Audrey, sitting in the street, willing her not to leave him? He'd dismissed his security detail, schemed with Jonica, shot people while hunting down Tanida, kidnapped the man, and would have killed him. The realization hit him that he had turned into the person he'd been hunting for 5 years. He'd done just what Red had done when he lost his family. Red had warned him, but he hadn't listened. Red knew what stepping into the darkness felt like, and now Ressler knew it too.

All that training, all that discipline to be the best FBI agent he could be had been tossed aside in a heartbeat. He'd lost himself in blind hate and revenge. _How can I go back to being "by the book Special Agent Ressler" after I've done this?! I'm no different to Reddington!_ Panic rose in him, and he grasped the door rest, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in the confined space. _No, no, no, no!_ He was swallowing hard, trying to control himself. Closing his eyes, he pushed his head back into the headrest, trying to open up his airway. _Calm down!_ He was breathing fast and hard, unable to take a full breath.

Keen looked quickly at him, knowing he was in trouble. She was supposed to get Ressler back to the Post Office where Cooper needed to talk to him, but it was clear she needed to give him some time to collect himself first. She picked up the radio and called Malik, telling her they were making a stop. Malik asked if everything was okay, and if she needed to turn back, but Keen sent her on her way.

"Tell Cooper we'll be there soon." She told Malik, looking at Ressler, who was frantically gulping for air.

She quickly pulled over at an empty truck stop, parking under some trees on the edge of the snowy landscape. Ressler didn't even seem to notice, keeping his eyes closed and breathing hard. _Why is it so hard to breathe?_ He couldn't take in a full breath. His chest was going to explode. _Audrey!_

"Ressler…. Don…." said Keen quickly. He barely heard her before he felt her hand suddenly on his forearm, but he didn't pull it away this time. He was trying so hard to keep his breathing in order, keeping his eyes closed to block out everything. _Don't you dare lose it in front of her!_

"Don…." She repeated, moving her hand down to hold his clenched fist. The warmth on his frigid cold hand suddenly felt safe, and instinctively he turned his hand upside down and held hers firmly. _What is wrong with you? Let go of her hand!_ She returned the grip, holding onto his cold hand.

"I'm here…..it's okay Don….breathe in, and breathe out….steady…." She spoke softly to him, knowing he could hyperventilate if this continued. _Damn it Keen, I'm trying!_ He couldn't do it though, not with her right there and her hand clutching his. He let out a gasp, and she moved closer to him. _No!_

"I'm right here….look at me and breathe with me….breathe in, and let it out…." She said soothingly, trying to help him get his breathing under control, but he wouldn't look at her.

He gasped again, trying desperately to keep it together, but it was no use. In one motion, he withdrew his hand from her grip, had the door open and was out of the vehicle, running. He ran to the only place he could find cover, that being the truck stop bathrooms. He ran to the wall, leaned against it heavily and suddenly vomited onto the concrete. Still retching, he ran inside, slammed his back against the wall and sank to the concrete floor, dropping his face into his hands.

Arms were suddenly around him as Keen crouched beside him. _Damn it Keen! Leave me alone!_ His mind screamed at her. _No! I don't want you to do this!_ But his body had other ideas. His arms reached up around her back, as he buried his face in her neck, clinging to her as the tears finally flowed. He shook as she held him tight, the pain of the last 24 hours pouring out of him.

Slowly he quieted down and his breathing steadied. As he began to pull away from her he saw that her coat was soaked with his tears. _No…you lost it in front of her….No…._ He couldn't look at her. She kept one hand on his arm, rubbing it gently.

"I'm so sorry Don, I really am.…."

He nodded, acknowledging he'd heard her, before he picked himself up off the floor and let her hand fall from his arm. He walked over to the wash basin and splashed freezing cold water on his face before drying it roughly with some paper towels. She waited quietly for him as he stood there a few moments more, before he turned and headed back outside. She followed him immediately and they walked back to the vehicle together. He hadn't said a word. Nor did he need to. She knew exactly what he was saying.

After getting back in the vehicle she looked worriedly at him again, wanting to make sure he was okay. He wasn't though, she knew that. He sat quietly with his head down, his breathing finally steady. He might be composed now, but he was going to need time to process this. He was also going to need a good friend.

He was aware of her starting up the car and pulling out of the rest stop, as he leaned on the headrest, looking but not seeing what was outside. He should have listened to Reddington when he'd told him "go home Donald". That was all he wanted to do now. Just get me home so I can drink myself into oblivion and fall into bed. He'd be alone in that bed though. Audrey would never again grace her side of the bed. Audrey! He breathed in sharply and gasped at that thought, aware that Keen quickly looked at him.

The drive back to the Post Office was quiet. He never spoke to her, and once there, he silently walked with her to the elevator. _I don't want to be here, Keen._ Malik looked questioningly at Keen as they entered the bullpen, but one look at Ressler told her all she needed to know. If he'd been an expressionless mask in the snow, he was far from that now. His eyes were red raw, and she saw the pain behind them.

Once in Cooper's office, he sat still while Cooper tried talking to him. Cooper had never seen his lead agent like this, and he was deeply concerned.

"Agent Ressler, do you need medical attention?" Cooper repeated worriedly, leaning down to face Ressler. His face was bleeding from the broken glass during the car accident, but Cooper was more concerned about his emotional state. _Do I need medical attention? Well my head hurts like a son-of-a-bitch, and I just became a criminal, but what the heck would I know?_ Ressler made eye contact then, shook his head and mouthed the word 'no'. He'd tried to say it, but his throat wasn't working. Straightening, Cooper looked at Keen, who was standing right behind Ressler.

"I think he just needs some rest sir, and time to grieve and process all this. With your permission, I'd like to take him home." She said, fully aware she was discussing Ressler as if he weren't even in the room.

Cooper reluctantly agreed, and told Ressler to take a few days off. He'd deal with his lead agent when he'd got some rest and was better able to discuss this. Ressler nodded, only half hearing what his superior was telling him before taking leave of Cooper. _Just get me the hell out of here, Keen._ He followed her as they made their way back through the bullpen. Aram looked up cautiously as they passed by his desk. He'd always admired Agent Ressler, with his stern, by the book countenance, but now he was shocked at seeing Ressler look so….broken. Keen led him to the elevator, not even caring that the other agents saw her hand on his back. Once in the parking garage, he climbed silently into the passenger side before she drove to his apartment.

His head throbbed and felt heavy, his eyes were sore and hot, and his chest ached. All he wanted to do was to fall into bed and sleep – and forget. Keen understood completely, and once at his apartment she again placed her hand on his back and gently told him to go take a shower first. He didn't have the strength to argue with her, and headed to his bathroom.

He stood under the hot water, and as much as he'd told himself tears were done when they'd left the truck stop, they flowed with the heat of the water on his face. _Damn it, give it a rest!_ He leaned against the shower wall, holding his hand against his mouth to stifle the sound of his sobs. Exhausted, he slid down to the shower floor, feeling the hot water rain down on him.

His tears under control again, he finished his shower, dressed in track pants and t-shirt and towel dried his hair. He looked at himself in the mirror and barely recognized the bloodshot eyes and haunted expression staring back. _Whoa…._ Unnerved, he turned from the mirror and let himself out the bathroom.

Keen had made him a cup of tea. _Tea? I need something stronger than that._ She was sitting in the living room, and he sat down on the couch across from her. He looked to his right….. at Audrey's suitcase on the chair, with some of her stuff strewn on the floor around it. _I need to pick that up for her. She won't like coming home and seeing…._ He quickly looked away, focusing instead on the tea Keen was sliding over to him.

"Here…..drink this, then get some rest Don…."

He automatically reached for it and drank, feeling the warm liquid slide down his tight throat. Tea wasn't going to cut it though. He got up and reached for the bottle of whiskey on the bar. Pouring himself a shot he drank it one gulp, poured another and drank it straight down before reluctantly corking the bottle again. _Drink the whole bottle. Just do it. Instant pain relief._

"Get some rest here Don…." He felt her hand resting gently on the small of his back, motioning for him to move. _Please don't keep touching me like that, Keen. It makes me…. Makes me what?_ She let him walk by her on his way to his bedroom. She followed, feeling for the first time like she was intruding as she entered his bedroom, but he didn't even notice. As he slipped into bed, she noticed Audrey's side of the bed with her brush and some nail polish on the bedside table. He looked toward her empty side of the bed also, before snapping his eyes shut and quickly looking away. _Audrey!_

"I'd like to stay a bit longer, while you sleep, if that's okay Don…." He opened his eyes and looked at her as she knelt before him and he nodded. He wasn't ready to be alone either. _But I am alone - Audrey is gone._

She was about to say something else, but then he spoke for the first time in hours, since screaming at Bobby Jonica to 'pick it up!'

"I'm sorry…. Thank you Liz…." His voice was taut, completely unlike his usual soft, deep voice. She barely recognized it. His eyes silently spoke volumes as he looked at her, before they closed and he fell almost instantly asleep. Keen suddenly fought the urge to stroke his tousled hair, to soothe the pain out of him and with an effort she dropped her hand. She retired to the recliner, settled in with a blanket, and watched him sleep an exhausted, heartbroken sleep.


	2. The Delivery

Ressler slowly opened his eyes, confused as to what time it was, and what day it was for that matter.  _What the hell happened?_  His head was throbbing, and his eyes stung. It was night, and as his eyes drew accustomed to the dark bedroom, he made out a sleeping form on his recliner.  _Audrey?_ The events of the past day suddenly came flooding back, and he gasped.  _No!_   _Audrey died!_

He shut his eyes tight as the onslaught of memories hit him. Audrey's death. Hunting Tanida. Almost killing Jonica. The truck stop. Then Keen had brought him home.  _Keen is on the recliner!_  She'd been there for him, and taken care of him. He opened his eyes again, and looked at her.  _She stayed in my bedroom with me. My head hurts too much to even think about that._

Forcing himself to get out of bed, he padded silently across the floor, not wanting to wake her. After visiting the bathroom, and finding a couple of aspirin for his headache he made his way quietly to the living room, flipping on the lamp. A soft yellow glow filled the room, outlining his drawn features in shadows as he sat on the couch.  _This is all just a bad dream…._ but the ache in his heart told him it was real, and slowly his eyes settled on Audrey's suitcase again.  _She's gone_.  _She can't be gone! She is._

He hauled himself up and walked over to her suitcase, meaning to put it in the closet. He leaned down and slowly picked up her makeup case, studying it for a moment, before dropping it into the suitcase. While straightening the clothes in order to close the lid, he felt a small empty box hidden in her clothing. Curious, he picked it up.  _Pregnancy test?_ _What the….?!_  He looked up, stunned, before closing his eyes and dropping his head, tears stinging his eyes.  _Audrey…..were you?! Were we?!_

His thoughts were interrupted with a soft knock at his door. With an effort, he composed himself, placed the empty box back in her suitcase and closed the lid. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he went and opened the door, surprised to find Dembe standing there, complete with a rather large ornate box.

"From Mr Reddington." He said politely, holding out the box for him to take. Ressler nodded slightly, more than a little confused, and took it from him. He closed the door, placed the box on the side table and picked up the folded note that had accompanied the box.

_Donald,_  
 _I want you to know that I do understand how you feel. There is nothing that can take the pain away. But eventually you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares. And every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about._  
 _Until one day - it will be the second thing._  
 _Red_

He read the note through twice, trying to take in the words, before folding it and putting it in his pocket.  _So Reddington is my pen-pal now?_ He exhaled heavily at that thought.  _Can I please have my old life back._

He turned back to the box and flipped open the catch. What was inside made him quickly step back and gasp. Mako Tanida. From the neck up.

_Why?_ Actually, he knew why. _How?_  He remembered the empty cuffs in the upturned Suburban, and now things fell into place. _Red took him._  He hadn't seen another car up on the road though. But then again, he hadn't been aware of much of anything except Jonica lying in the snow at the end of his gun barrel.

"Hey… you okay….?" Keen startled him from his thoughts as she appeared from his bedroom door behind him.

"Hey… yeah…" he replied, still looking at the contents of the box. She approached him sleepily, and then stopped in her tracks and gasped when she saw what he was looking at.

"Like my gift from Reddington?" he pursed his lips, glancing sideways at her. He closed Tanida's box quickly, suddenly feeling like he'd throw up if he looked at the severed head a second longer.

"Why would he…? Though it saves us from finding him…." She replied, as it occurred to her that's EXACTLY why Red had delivered Tanida to Ressler. She looked at him more closely now. His face was drawn and tired, but he seemed better, more like himself than when she'd brought him home this afternoon.

"Cup of tea?" she offered.

He scowled at her, indicating the whiskey bottle. "You drink your tea, and I'll drink mine."

"Actually, are you hungry?" she asked him.

"No."

The last thing he could handle right now was food on his stomach.  _Especially after seeing my 'gift'._  Turning away from the box, he realized he still hadn't put the suitcase away. He looked at it, then glanced at Keen. He hesitated, and she saw him struggle with something, before he clearly came to a decision.

"Keen…. Liz…. There was something in Audrey's suitcase…." He silently took out the pregnancy test box, and handed it to her. She quickly looked up at him.

"Was she…?!"

"I don't know… The box was empty…. I don't know Liz…." He shook his head slowly, slumping down on the couch, leaning forward and looking down at the floor. He sucked in his breath, shutting his eyes tight against the vision of Audrey in his arms, dying in the middle of the road, blood pooling in her stomach as he tried to staunch the flow with her scarf.  _Was there a baby dying in there too, sweetie? Our baby. My kid!_ He raised his hand to his eyes, as fresh tears fell for an unborn, unseen life that never had a chance.

She quickly came and sat beside him, leaning against him.  _Too close Keen._

"It's okay….let it out…." She whispered, and he realized she was crying too.

"I don't know how to do this Liz… How do I go on without her? Knowing we might have been a family..." He choked out the words, as she softly stroked his arm.

"You go on because you must, because you have no choice Don…. Because it's what Audrey would want. You do it for her. You will never be the same, and the pain will always be a part of you, but you will learn to rise above it and cope with it each day."

"That's what Reddington said too…." She looked up at him, wondering when Red had spoken to him.

"I think he likes you a great deal more than he lets on….and he respects you."

"I don't know if that's such a good commendation." He sighed, standing up and leaving her side, wiping his tears away before running his hand through his hair.

"Man, I need to snap out of this." He said shakily.

"This isn't something you just switch off Don. It's going to take time, and you need to give yourself that time. Cooper told you to take a few days off."

"Yeah…." He looked at the clock, seeing it was almost 11:00pm.

"Speaking of time, for now it's late and you have a home to go to, and….a husband waiting for you."

"Are you going to be okay here tonight…?" He could see the concern in her face.

"I'll be fine, Keen." The use of her last name told her enough, and she nodded. He really did appear to be over the initial shock and much more in control now.

"You need anything, you call me, okay?"

He nodded, holding her gaze, suddenly unsure of himself. He dropped his eyes to the floor, then back up at her standing before him.

"Liz, I want to than…" she didn't let him finish, and suddenly her index finger was on his lips. He sucked in a quick breath.  _Whoa!_

"I'm your partner, but I'm also your friend. You don't ever need to thank me, okay?" Removing her finger, she squeezed his upper arm and smiled as he looked down at her silently. She gathered up her purse and keys, looked at him again and then slipped out his door, leaving him standing there, his lips still feeling the echo of her touch.


	3. A Visitor

He stood there a moment.  _I need a drink. A very big drink._  He poured himself a shot of whiskey, gulped it down and poured a second. Resolutely, he finally picked up Audrey's suitcase and placed it in the hall closet. Leaning his back against the door, he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. His headache was returning.

There was a knock on his door.  _Did Keen change her mind?_ He opened the door for her, only to discover Reddington standing there instead.  _Great._ _We've had Beauty, and now the Beast._

"May I come in?" Red asked him pleasantly.

Ressler hesitated before standing aside, motioning Red inside with a wave of his arm. Red's eyes fell on Tanida's box.

"How did you like my gift?" Red cocked his head to the side, with a slight smirk on his face.

"Just peachy. Why are you here?"

"You know an interior decorator could do wonders with this place. This rather 80s ambience really isn't working for me." Red walked around the living room, ignoring Ressler's question for the moment.

Ressler folded his arms in annoyance, his headache really taking hold now. Red finally stopped wandering and faced him, his mocking stance gone.

"Knowing that Lizzie wouldn't have left you alone if you weren't doing somewhat okay, I came to chat."

Ressler groaned inwardly.  _He knows Keen just left here. Is there anything the man doesn't know?_

"Fine." He motioned to the living room, and Red sat on the single chair that had recently been occupied by Audrey's suitcase. _Don't think about that._

"Hear me out Donald. A lot has happened to you in a very short time, and I was concerned."

"I'm fine." He replied, dropping into the couch.

"Exactly what I'd expect you to say. Lizzie may have fallen for that, but don't do that with me."

Ressler looked away, unable to meet Red's piercing gaze.

"Tell me what happened with Jonica." Said Red, his eyes studying Ressler.

"I don't want to talk about that."  _Not with you._

"Donald, I've just spent a splendid evening at the ballet. Don't ruin the rest of it for me by being huffy."

Ressler sighed, and began to talk. "Jonica killed Tanida's brother Aiko the night my team captured Tanida. He was actually the one running the empire while Tanida was incarcerated…."

Red interrupted him. "Not that. Not the boring Special Agent Ressler version. Tell me what happened between you and him."

Ressler stood up, unable to sit still under Red's gaze. He stood and looked out his window, his back to Reddington.

"What difference does it make now?"

"Humor me, Donald."

Ressler rubbed his temples again. His head was throbbing, and Red wasn't helping matters.  _Oh, what the hell._

"Tanida was in the back seat, accusing one of us of killing his brother. I thought he was lying, and just saying anything to get us off guard. When he mentioned Audrey bleeding out….." he stopped, swallowing hard. "When he mentioned that, I still figured he was just goading me. But then Bobby's reaction wasn't right, when I questioned him…." He stopped, remembering the events in the car.

"Go on." Red prompted.

"Jonica drew his gun and shot into the back seat, trying to shut Tanida up. I knew then that he had killed Aiko. That he had brought this down on all of us. I grabbed for his gun while he was driving, and we fought. The car swerved, and I heard glass shattering as my head slammed into the window."

Ressler suddenly stopped, turning slowly back to Reddington.  _Audrey's head had slammed into the window. I'd forgotten that…._  Red saw the fleeting pain cross his face as he remembered something, and prompted again.

"What went through your mind when you knew Jonica had betrayed all of you?"

"Does it really matter?" Ressler raised his voice, tired of this now.

"How did you feel Donald?"

"I wanted to kill him!" He flung back. "Satisfied now? You getting off on this Red?"

"How I feel is irrelevant. Continue."

Ressler glared at him.  _Why the hell does this matter?!_ "Fine. I came to and saw Jonica walking away in the snow. I followed him. I shot at him. I missed. He killed himself. End of story." He was angry now, his voice raised.

"Oh, it's not the end of the story Donald. How many shots did you fire?"

"What? I have no idea! I emptied my clip!" Ressler shouted back at him, pacing around the room.

"I thought you wanted to kill him?" Red smirked.

"Yeah? Well I couldn't! Not with Keen telling me not to!" Angry tears sprang to his eyes, and he brushed them away briskly.  _Now isn't the time, damn it!_

Red laughed and shook his head, inflaming Ressler even more. "Seriously? You truly expect me to believe you didn't kill him because a woman told you not to? He laughed harder, shaking his head incredulously. "Donald, you're even further gone than I'd thought!"

"Damn you! What do you want from me Red?!" Hot tears burned his eyes, and he again brushed them roughly away.

"You call yourself an FBI agent – you botched the job Donald."

Ressler glared at him, shaking with anger. "What do you want me to say?! You weren't there! You don't know!" Angry, hurt tears fell in earnest now.

"I'm simply amazed at the lack of fortitude in FBI agents these days. I would have put a bullet in his brain with one shot." Red laughed heartily now.

"Yeah? Well, I didn't! I'm not you! Okay? I'm not you!" He screamed as he leaned over Red, pointing his finger in his face.

He suddenly realized what he'd said, and stopped, looking at Red's now calm, knowing demeanor. His breath heaving, he backed away from Red, stumbling down heavily on the couch.

"I'm not you." He repeated between gasps of breath. He covered his eyes with his hand, trying to get his tears under control.  _You bastard Red!_ _Damn you!_

Red got up from the chair and stood calmly over Ressler a moment, before patting his shoulder.

"Exactly Donald. And that's why you're going to be okay."

Ressler got up, moving away from Red's hand on his shoulder. He stood at the window again as his breathing slowed and his tears eased. As furious as Red had made him, he did understand what he had just done for him and the point he'd been making. He got it loud and clear.  _Your bedside manner sucks though, Red._

He suddenly felt drained, and his head was splitting now as he turned back to face Reddington.

"Thank y…." but was interrupted by Red holding up his hand.  _Damn it, can't I thank anyone tonight?_

"You got there yourself, my friend." Red regarded him quietly, putting on his hat and preparing to leave.

 _My greatest enemy gave her back to me and my best friend took her away._ His own words suddenly echoed in his mind. Reddington had become more of a friend to him than most people he knew. He closed his eyes at that thought. _I am so screwed._

"And by the way, you look like hell Donald. Get some rest." Red smirked.

Ressler rubbed his temples, nodding. As Reddington opened the door, Ressler wasn't surprised to see Dembe waiting in the hallway for him. Red leaned to his assistant and said something before Dembe nodded and came inside. He picked up Tanida's box, nodding to Ressler politely, before taking the box and closing the door.

 _I need Aspirin. Lots of them._  Ressler headed to the bathroom and found the bottle, downing 4 of them at once in an effort to ease the pain in his head and eyes. They couldn't ease the pain in his heart though. He turned off the lamp, plunging the apartment into blissful darkness. Entering his bedroom, he suddenly couldn't bear to sleep in the empty bed. Instead, he eased himself into the recliner, pulling the blanket over him that smelled of Keen's perfume. He breathed in, finding some comfort in her imagined nearness, closed his eyes, and drifted off to an exhausted sleep.


	4. Saying Goodbye

Ressler stood on the river bank, seeing, but not really taking much notice of the river flowing by. It was cold, and the breeze tugged at his coat and ruffled his hair. He'd stood in this very spot twice just a few days ago. Both times he'd met with Reddington. And in between those two meetings with Red, his world had fallen apart as Audrey took a bullet meant for him.

In the five days since he'd lost her – and perhaps his child - his emotions had run the full spectrum. The sheer panic that had risen in him as she was dying had given way to shock in the immediate aftermath. That shock had quickly been replaced by anger as his adrenalin took over. That anger had grown into hate that had then driven and sustained him until desperation and pain overtook him in the snow. Then it had all come crashing down and he'd broken down under the weight of it all, before he had shut down completely.

He'd stepped into unfamiliar territory by needing others to help him through that. _Not others. Her._ Through this entire nightmare he was faced with one undeniable truth. He had needed Elizabeth Keen - and she had been there for him. She had sat with him as he'd cried, prepared meals for him that he'd barely touched, made sure he got his concussion checked, and had held him together. _Literally…._ The memory of her holding him tight as he'd sobbed wasn't one he'd soon forget. He'd been embarrassed after, but she had felt so safe that he'd clung to her desperately. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel about that. _Nothing. She's a married woman. You feel nothing about that._

He heard a car door behind him, bringing him back to the present as he heard footsteps approaching.

"You okay…?" she asked him.

She was bundled up against the cold, her hands shoved in her coat pockets as he turned his head to her. He was immediately struck by how impossibly blue her eyes looked against the white landscape. _But you feel nothing about that._ He looked quickly away, and then looked back at her before replying.

"Yeah, I'm fine Liz." He knew she didn't believe him.

She smiled softly, then looped her arm in his, encouraging him.

"You ready…?" she asked gently.

_No, but let's do this anyway._ He took one last look at the river, and then nodded to her before they headed back up to her car. She didn't ask why he'd wanted to meet here instead of her picking him up from his apartment. It was obviously important to him, and she didn't pry.

"Liz, you don't need to do this if you don't…" he managed to get out before she stopped him with one look. _Time to shut up._ He knew that look.

He hesitated, and then climbed in the passenger side. It occurred to him that their driving arrangements reflected their…..relationship….. He had always driven. But when he'd fallen apart, she had immediately taken over the driving. _I need to get back in the drivers seat…._

Ten minutes later they pulled into Fairlawn Cemetery, winding their way through snow plowed roads before parking. He looked at the nearby gravestones out his window, before looking at her suddenly.

"I forgot flowers. I didn't bring her any flowers…"

She gave him a soft smile as she reached into the back seat, where he saw a small bouquet that she'd brought with her. She handed them to him before gently squeezing his arm. He didn't think he'd ever felt more grateful toward her than he did in that instant.

He took in a deep breath, braced himself and climbed out of the car. They could see the small gathering up a slight hill from where they'd parked. She again looped her arm in his, and together they walked toward Audrey's burial.

He stopped before they got there though, seeking cover under an overhanging tree. _I don't want to go up there now._ She looked at him, seeing the uncertainty in his face.

"This is close enough…." He said shakily. _I can't face her family._ She tried to encourage him by taking another step, but he didn't move. _No. Here is fine._ They were within earshot, standing behind the gathered mourners who had not noticed them there. She understood, and continued to hold his arm as the service began.

The preacher welcomed Audrey's family and friends. He spoke of earth's loss being Heaven's gain, before praying. Ressler recognized Audrey's sister when she stood up. She spoke of the lives her sister had touched, and of the profound loss to all of those who had loved her. _I was one of them._ Ressler could feel himself tensing up at every word, and felt his chest tightening. His breathing was getting short. _Keep it together._

Keen looked up at him, feeling the shivers running through him as he breathed faster. He felt like a coiled spring against her and she slipped her hand in his. He gripped her hand hard in return, before dropping his gaze and swallowing hard, blinking back tears.

"I'm right here…." She reassured him and he nodded as he glanced sideways at her, his eyes shining with tears.

The preacher again moved to one side as a man stood up to say something to those gathered. Ressler had never seen the man, yet knew immediately who he was. _Tassles._ He inhaled sharply. He felt his knees almost give way and he suddenly took a step back, leaning against the wide tree for support. Keen instantly turned into him, facing him as she held his arm and instinctively put an arm around his waist to steady him. _I'm okay Keen._ He looked down at her face mere inches from his. _I think._

Tassles finished his eulogy, but Ressler didn't hear too much of it with Liz standing that close against him. Her lips were so close that he could lean down and….. _Don't you dare go there!_ He couldn't draw his eyes away from hers. _I'm not okay now, Keen._

"Do you want to leave…?" she asked him worriedly, feeling him trembling in her arms. _Yes. No. I don't know._ He shook his head slightly, unable to drop his eyes from hers. _Look away from her before you do something stupid! Oh, it's way too late for that._

With an effort he finally dropped his gaze to the side, looking away from her eyes as he exhaled heavily. _What the hell just happened?!_ She felt the tension lessen in his body before he stepped quickly away from her, escaping from her embrace. _What is wrong with you?! You're here for Audrey!_

Regaining some composure, he looked back up toward the service, where the preacher had just finished his final prayer. Mourners were standing up, offering condolences and hugging family members, before starting to disperse.

He suddenly felt very exposed, not wanting to be seen by Audrey's family….or Tassles. _She's dead because of me._ He quickly stepped to the other side of the tree, hiding from view as people filed down the hill toward their vehicles. He looked sheepishly at Keen as she came to stand beside him again. 

"I just couldn't face…." but she stopped him with 'the look'. _I don't need to explain. She knows._

They stood there together as everyone slowly left, leaving the two of them alone near Audrey's grave and casket. _It's time._ His feet didn't move. He was frozen to the spot. _I can't do this. I can't say goodbye!_ His heart was pounding, and just as he was about to turn and run back to the car, he felt Keen's hand grab his. He jumped a little at her touch, but then allowed her to lead him to the graveside. He couldn't tear his eyes from the pure white casket as they approached. _She's in there… Audrey is in there….._

"I'll be right here, and give you some time with her…." Keen said softly, placing her hand on his back as she encouraged him to go the rest of the way by himself.

He continued the last few steps, before he finally stood at her casket. It struck him how hauntingly beautiful her white casket looked against the snow. _You would have liked that sweetie…._ He placed his hand on it hesitantly, feeling the cold surface beneath his hand. He looked up at the sky as tears fell down his cheeks. It wasn't meant to end like this. _But it did. I lost you._

He remembered the flowers, and Keen saw him pull a single pink rose from the bunch. He placed it on her white casket, before she saw him place something else, but couldn't see what it was. He leaned down and kissed the casket twice, laying his cheek on it for a few seconds before standing up.

Keen went and joined him then, looping her arm through his as he stood quietly crying. She looked at the casket and saw the pink rose he'd given her – and a tiny sprig of baby's breath for the child he would never know.

His tears slowed, and with a final touch of his hand on her casket, he said his goodbyes. _I will always love you._ He couldn't bear staying to see her casket lowered into the ground. He looked at Keen and she nodded in understanding. She hadn't been able to at her father's funeral either.

They made their way back to the car together, and when they reached it he glanced at her again. She nodded and waited as he stood looking up the hill at Audrey's grave site one last time, before they got in the car and slowly headed out of the cemetery.

As they drove away, he realized just how many times a day he glanced at Keen, and how she always knew just what he was saying. _But you feel nothing about that. Right..…_


	5. Moving On

It was snowing again, and Ressler stood at his living room window watching the white flakes swirling in the street lights. Snow had always invoked peace in him, with its ability to cover up all the grime and filth of the city by replacing it with a tranquil white blanket. Even the sounds of the city became muffled under that canopy. That was before though. Now, snow held a different meaning. It now brought back memories of facing Jonica, standing knee deep in the white stuff, and of pain and heartbreak in a bleak white landscape that he had finally broken under.

It had snowed early on the morning Audrey had died, and now it was snowing again just hours after her funeral. Her casket had looked …..beautiful….. in the snow as he'd said goodbye to her. While unconfirmed, somehow he just knew that she had been pregnant. Standing at her casket _….their casket….._ had been hard, yet it had also given some small amount of closure. He finally felt it wouldn't betray her memory to move on and face the world again.

He'd lost her once before when the engagement came to an end. He had pushed through that, with his walls perfectly in place around him and turned to work for solace. This was vastly different though. He'd go back to work tomorrow, sure, but he'd likely have a harder time keeping the walls so intact this time.

After Keen had dropped him off at his apartment following the funeral, he'd felt empty. It was the first time since Audrey's death that it truly came to him that he was alone again. He'd been so grieved by her death that he hadn't really thought of the days ahead. The coming weeks, months and years without her. Years in which he might have watched his child grow. He'd told Keen the story he'd related when undercover as the courier was just something he made up for his cover. She saw right through that. Of course it was true. And here he was again, and all he had left in this world was his job.

He'd poured himself a shot of whiskey within minutes of arriving home. He had wanted the whiskey to mask his thoughts, to try and keep his mind off everything - but it was failing miserably. He'd lost count of how many drinks he had consumed now, but knew he wasn't drunk. _Or not drunk enough._ He was still lucid enough to realize that this wasn't the answer. But he poured another shot just for good measure, before there was a knock on his door.

He ignored it. He really didn't feel like company right now. He continued to look out the window, but there came another knock. If there was one thing that irritated Ressler, it was an unanswered phone or door. _So much for ignoring it._ He was already considering opening the door when he heard Keen's voice on the other side.

"Ressler…?

He sighed, put down his shot glass, and went and opened the door for her.

"Hey, I know it's late, sorry." She said apologetically.

"It's fine, come on in." He replied, and stepped aside to let her in. The first thing she noticed on entering the living room was a barely touched meal on the coffee table, a bottle of whiskey and an empty glass.

"Are you okay?" she asked, turning to look at him as he came in the living room behind her.

"I'm fine." He said quietly, lying through his teeth.

She looked at him, knowing he wasn't okay but didn't push the point. She then turned away and looked out the window, right where Ressler had been standing moments ago. It occurred to Ressler that it was odd that they both did that. He watched her gazing outside, wondering why she was here, when she suddenly dropped her head and held a fist to her mouth, gasping.

"Liz…?" he walked over to her, looking down at her with concern.

"Liz, what's wrong?" he asked, as tears spilled down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come, not when you're…..when you have enough on your plate right now…." She stammered, turning to leave.

He reached out and held her arm, preventing her from leaving, and instead led her to the couch and sat her down.

"Talk to me. What's going on?" he asked, sitting down beside her. She was shaking her head as the tears continued to fall. She looked at him then, biting her bottom lip.

"I think Tom is having an affair." And with her fears finally spoken out loud, she crumbled and hid her face in her hands. He briefly hesitated, before he gently put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him as she cried.

He wanted to ask how and why she thought that. Actually, he wanted to go and beat the guy up if he'd done this to her. But he didn't ask anything, letting her offer the information. Instead he just held her, being there for her as she'd been there for him these past few days.

"I'm sorry Liz…" he said gently to her, putting his chin on her hair as he held her close to his chest.

"I found a text on his phone….." she started to explain. "It was from a woman with the screen name 'teacherspet' saying she wanted to see him again after….. after what had happened at the teachers conference."

He looked up, grinding his teeth together as he held her close. _That son of a …_

"And it's not just that. He's been distant, going out in the evenings, and not coming back at all some nights…. And when he's home all we do is fight. I think my marriage is over." And with that she buried her face in his chest and sobbed as he held her tight in both arms now.

He gently rubbed her back as she cried, wanting to help in some small way. He'd been so filled with his own pain he hadn't even noticed that she had to have been hurting with all this unfolding with Tom. _What a great pair we make. Both our lives are falling apart._

He barely heard her next words. "Red told me to be careful of my husband...but I don't know what he meant."

That worried the hell out of him. Whatever he thought of the man, there was no doubt that he cared about keeping Liz safe. And if he said Tom Keen couldn't be trusted, that was all Ressler needed to hear. She finally pulled away from him, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"I'm sorry…. I didn't know what to do…. didn't know where else to go…." She said shakily.

"It's okay." He told her, and realized it really was okay that she'd sought him out and confided in him. _Heaven knows she's seen me at my worst this week….._

"My offer still stands to rough him up for you." He said gently, in a weak attempt to lighten the mood. _Though I don't think I'm really joking now._

She smiled softly at him. "You would too, wouldn't you?"

He nodded slowly, looked away, then back at her. "What did Red say about Tom, Liz...?"

"The same thing every time... just 'be careful of your husband' and he never elaborates on that..." she sighed, not finishing the thought.

He could see her struggling with that. He knew it would have been something so difficult to hear and that she would never have believed it. He'd seen the way she stuck by Tom all through their investigation. Maybe now it was starting to mean more though.

"But it's all too much to think about tonight..." she replied.

"Cup of tea?" he asked her, reversing their roles after she'd offered him seemingly endless cups of tea this week. She smiled and nodded, seeing the irony of it, and he got up to make it for her. _It feels kinda nice to be the one doing the helping, instead of the one needing the help…._

She came into the kitchen as he was finishing making her tea, and he placed it on the table, sitting across from her. She took it gratefully.

"What a pair we make….." she said quietly, sipping her tea and echoing his thoughts from a few minutes ago.

He nodded, and their eyes met briefly before they both looked away.

"I should get going. I know it's late…." And she quickly finished her tea and rose from the table.

"Are you going home? Is Tom there?" he was suddenly concerned for her safety. While she hadn't said Tom would ever hurt her, he'd never trusted the guy. Even after he was cleared after their investigation at the Post Office, he felt they'd missed something. And now knowing that Red had been warning her about him, it made him extremely worried for her.

"I don't know. I'll probably just drive around for a bit and see if he ever shows up at home…." She answered, looking down at him.

"You can stay here." And it was out before he'd even had time to think about it. "I mean….if you like. I can bunk on the couch for the night." He added.

She looked quickly at him, and almost didn't take him up on the offer, but was suddenly so tired that she accepted gratefully. "Okay, but I'll sleep on the couch, and you can keep your room. Deal?" she countered.

"Fair enough. Let me go get you some blankets." He headed to his room, wondering what he was doing. He didn't trust her going back to Tom tonight though, and she was too tired to go get a motel. _This is what friends do for friends._ He was back in a couple of minutes, complete with a pillow and two blankets. She quickly made up her bed, and then stood awkwardly there.

"Sure you don't want the bed? I really don't mind sleeping out here. I've spent plenty of nights on that comfy ole couch." He smiled, offering again.

She shook her head, smiling. "You've done enough. Thank you…."

"No problem. If you need anything… well, you know where everything is….. Goodnight Liz... " He said, and with one last look at her he nodded and headed for his room.

"Goodnight Don. Thank you..."

And with that he closed the door to his room, leaving her wondering why it felt so easy to rely on him, yet she didn't trust her own husband. She removed her shoes and jacket, and curled up on the couch under his blankets, feeling better than she had in some time. She noticed it was still snowing outside. She had always liked watching snow and she lay there, watching the soft flakes gently falling, until her eyelids grew heavy and she fell asleep.

Ressler got ready for bed, and as he turned out the light and climbed into bed, he realized he felt useful and capable for the first time in a week. He was concerned for Keen, certainly. But more than that, he felt like he'd taken a first step into moving on from these dreadful few days, and for that he was thankful. He lay there in the dark looking out the window at the soft light shining through from the street lights. Snow was still falling, drifting up on the window.

Maybe soon he would be able to only see the beauty in snow again. Whatever feelings it conjured up in him now, he still liked watching it. After a while, he drew his gaze away from the window, and looked at the empty bed beside him. _Goodnight Audrey…..miss you sweetie. But I'm going to be okay._ And with that, he closed his eyes and fell asleep as the snow continued to fall outside, blanketing the world in serene whiteness.

\- THE END -


End file.
